Valet Confidential

Find out what I've been keeping under my hat

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@Midnight #RuinAChildrensBook

Children's LibraryComedy Central’s @Midnight show has a feature called Hashtag Wars, where they come up with a hashtag, usually some bastardization of something well known (books, movies, candies, etc). They then ask the viewers to keep things rolling by tweeting their own examples. A couple of weeks ago the hashtag was “#RuinAChildrensBook” – and I just couldn’t help myself:

@midnight Where the Wilding Things Are #RuinAChildrensBook
@midnight The Hooker in Times Square #RuinAChildrensBook
@midnight The Phantom Tollbooth Gloryhole #RuinAChildrensBook
@midnight Harold and the Purple-headed Dildo #ruinachildrensbook
@midnight Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret Thatcher #ruinachildrensbook
@midnight Charlie and the Great Glass Butt Plug #ruinachildrensbook

I’m really quite proud of a couple of those.

Feel free to play along in the comments.

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I do not embarrass easily

Over on the Facebooks the other day, Michael J. Epstein (of Darling Pet Munkee, Michael J Epstein Memorial Library, et al) posted this comment to his own post regarding workplace harassment training: “Training Pro-tip: You should never write anything electronically that you wouldn’t want your mother to see.”

I am reminded by the differing responses I got from my teachers and my parents when this letter appeared in the local newspaper.

Get Cosmic - The Followup Letter

Which was a followup to this letter, written by a friend of ours:

Get Cosmic - The Original Letter

As I remember it, our followup appeared in the paper the day of a school district open meeting of some sort and I guess some parents were quite upset. The next day my English teacher asked “What do your parents think of that?” And I had to be honest, “They thought it was hilarious.”

My father, a Presbyterian minister, would occasionally accost my friends & me as we walked down the road, rolling down the window of his car and jokingly yelling “HEATHENS!”

Another thing I was reminded by the “pro-tip”: my mother made me a very accurate nun’s habit for a costume one year. I went by the name “Mother Flucker”. Mom thought that was great. Somewhere there’s a pic of me in costume – I sure wish I could find it to share with you all. I wore it for the Chorallaries of MIT “Concert in Bad Taste” one year, and I think maybe it showed up in The Tech.

Also, her favorite Chandler Travis song was “Where’s My Glasses“.

For the most part, I really don’t think about what my mother and father would think about what I write here, twitter, or facebook. Then again, perhaps maybe I do after all, I just know that they’d be OK with it.

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Clean as a Whistle!

The Colon

I had my very first colonoscopy on Thursday and the doc gave me a clean bill of health – YAY! I have a healthy colon, and don’t have to do this again for another 10 years!

Not all that bad, really – and yes, the drugs were very nice (they used propofol on me).

Apparently, part of the procedure is to inflate the colon.  In the recovery room, this leads to the nurses telling you in the nicest way possible to fart as much as possible.  “Just keep pushing that air out”, they say.

They even gave me pictures (of the procedure, not the farts!), which I feel semi-obligated to share … consider yourselves warned!

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A Very Special Valentine’s Day For Me

Surprise!You think you have big plans for Valentine’s Day this year?  How about this – I scheduled my first colonoscopy yesterday, and the available date was Thursday, February 13.  Woo Hoo!

 

A Colonoscopy Haiku

Now in my fifties
Standard procedure, my ass
Knock me out good please

 

Is it appropriate to bring your colonoscopy doctor flowers?

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Aww … who told them?

AARP Membership

A mere 18 months after I turned 50, I finally got my first mailing from the folks at AARP today.  I remember my mom being amazed because she got a membership plea from them something like the day after she turned 50.

I wonder how they finally figured it out …

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Here’s a tip …

… if you’re worried about being embarrassed by your pharmacy purchase, it’s probably not a good idea to draw attention to yourself by yelling at the sales clerk.

I just saw it happen at the local CVS. A customer was purchasing something at the back sales registers, where the pharmacy stuff is normally handled. Apparently, they didn’t have a bag large enough for her purchase. The cashier apologized and offered to run up to the front register and get a proper sized bag, but the customer was having none of it and stormed out, saying she was going to another CVS branch instead. Of course, everyone in the area noticed.

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Jody

Sorry not to have written much in the last few months. I’ll admit it, I’ve kind of become addicted to Facebook and have been enjoying meeting up with old friends, playing the scrabble-like game “lexulous”, and trying to come up with pithy status messages.

Sadly, something has come along that makes me want to write a longer piece.

This past Monday, a good friend of mine, a spiritual brother, Joseph “Jody” Duncan, died at the far-too-young age of 41. His friends & family are saying goodbye to him today in ceremonies in Henderson, KY; there’s another group of his friends who won’t be able to make it, because we’re far-flung all over the country. Most of us met Jody because of our mutual love for and obsession with the band NRBQ.

Jody was the guy who always knew the name and original artist of any obscure cover that NRBQ played. Or at least he had the music library at hand to figure it out. I would send him mp3’s of cuts I didn’t know, and he usually could get back to me with the right name & artist. Usually fairly quickly.

The first time I really spent any significant time with Jody was around Labor Day, 1999, when my then-wife, Maia, and I flew out to Louisville, KY to catch 4 Q shows in 4 days. The first of those shows was in Evansville, IN, which happened to be Jody’s hometown. I remember ahead of time he recommended a hotel to stay in (cheap, but not too shabby, and in a decent neighborhood, if I remember). He met us at the club, introduced us to all his hometown crazies, and we were fast friends. The next night was in Louisville, KY, and it was more of the same. He showed us such wonderful hospitality. Later that year, we made a trip to see NRBQ in Chicago (OK, really Berwyn, IL) and Champaign/Urbana, and, of course, Jody was at both shows.

A few years later, a special NRBQ fan weekend was put together by Stacey Q. Naturally, it was called “Wild Weekend”, and was held in Hartford, CT. Jody made the trip, along with a I don’t know how many other Q-balls, and now, everyone knew each other for real, not just online. The Chandler Travis Philharmonic was one of the opening acts for the shows, and I still remember Jody’s smile when Chandler sang “Surf’s Up”.

Here’s one story that to me is pure Jody. The NRBQ 35th Anniversary shows, which featured almost all living members of the band, past & present, were held in Northampton, MA. Jody made the trip but wasn’t sure if he could until practically the last minute. As I was filing out of the Calvin Theatre the 2nd night, the place was almost empty, except there was Jody, still sitting in his seat (the last seat in the far right corner of the last row of the balcony), with tears in his eyes.

Jody’s graveside service starts around 2pm CDT today. I plan on playing something joyous by NRBQ (maybe “Me & the Boys”) and raising a glass of Kentucky bourbon to Jody. I’m sure more than a few tears will be shed, too.

photo: Jeff Wilson

Until we meet again while travelling the spaceways … I love you, Jody.